Deep Thoughts

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1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
3. Two rules for life: (1) Don't tell people everything you know. (2)
4. I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted.
5. Did ancient Roman doctors refer to IV's as fours?
6. Now I know why they call them trial lawyers. I tried one and I didn't like him.
7. Why get even when you can get odd?
8. They say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat down your door. But usually it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.
9. Want to trace your family tree? Run for public office or win the sweepstakes.
10. A fool and his money are soon partying.
11. How come you never hear about GRUNTLED employees?
12. I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.
13. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
14. There are two kinds of jokes - the ones people laugh at, and the ones where people say, "That's funny."
15. You say "tomato," I say "tomato.com."
16. The reason that men pay for dates is because women have to pay for the wedding.
17. I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive. She thinks she got me with her long-range rifle.
18. Just because it's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty.
19. Why isn't there an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants?
20. Never let your willpower get the best of you.
21. I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard until I realized I was strangling an ostrich.
22. There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can't.